in transition

 

Everything is quiet at home right now.  My little one is finishing up her second week in kindergarten, and I am spending my second day fully alone in this house trying to figure out what to do with myself.  I am in transition.  Still trying to come to the realization that my days are freer, more open to opportunity.  It'll hit me here soon, I'm sure of it.  Right now, I share with you these photos, just tidbits from the every day. 

Have a great weekend my friends!


 

.you have to start somewhere.

Photographer David Eustace recently made a comment that I found truly valuable.  He said, "I still love the line from the King's Speech, 'Yes, you do have a voice.'  I wish more younger people would creatively express theirs these days, even in fear of making mistakes or sounding naïve, rather than sheepishly follow this awful recent trend where the popular route is often chosen simply to please others.  As a dear friend, the artist Alex Main once said, 'Mediocrity will always be at its best.'"  This statement has been the best advice I've heard in awhile and I really really needed it.  

There's a reason why my camera sat on the shelf for a long time.  Yes, I've taken a few photos here and there, but that drive that had been there years ago had diminished to where even taking family photographs have been few and far between.  Why?  My confidence was broken.  I allowed frustration and mistakes to hinder me from moving forward, instead of forcing my way through them.  I began fighting this battle  that I think every artist fights at some point in their creative lives:  pursue creative vision vs. pursuing what sells.  In a conversation I had with a fellow photographer, not too long ago, there was this question of what audience we should  be catering our photographs to.  What I have been learning in the last few weeks is that that audience should first be me.  Too often I think we tend to curb our vision to what we feel others will like as opposed to sticking true to what our vision is.  Next thing we know, we have lost our own voice in the muddle. But it's never too late to step out and be. . . yourself. 

 

In order to achieve anything in this life, we have to start somewhere, like right here, right now, with humility and perseverance.  Today, I can honestly tell you that I am inspired.  I am encouraged.  My camera and I have been reacquainted and the reunion has been a beautiful one.  I'm challenging myself to raise the bar a little higher.  Step out a little further.  Live life a little more fuller.  I'm building my portfolio and in the process, I'm meeting and working with wonderful people.  Personal projects are in the works.  Ideas are flowing.  Honestly, I'm starting to feel alive and awake again.  It's like springtime in the soul!  Ha!  Looking forward to sharing these projects with you as they happen.  Here's to perseverance!  I hope I don't let you down!  Thank you for letting me ramble this morning.  Oh, before I go, here is a fantastic post written by another talented photographer, Chris Orwig.  I hope it inspires you as it did me. 

.be back soon.

Hello friends.  I'll be away for just a little bit.  I'm back in Nashville taking care of some things so I won't have the time to post and shoot like I had planned.  More for you when I get back next week.  Take care!  

Words fail me this evening. A very special, most tenderhearted soul left this earth in the middle of the night, softly in her sleep. A most loving wife, mother and grandmother. A sweet, kind, and caring friend. We will miss you dearly Eliza Bell.

She openeth her mouth with wisdom;
and in her tongue is the law of kindness.
She looketh well to the ways of her household,
and eateth not the bread of idleness.
Her children arise up, and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praiseth her.
Many daughters have done virtuously,
but thou excellest them all.
Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain:
but a woman that feareth the Lord,
she shall be praised.
Give her of the fruit of her hands;
and let her own works praise her
in the gates.
~Proverbs 31:26-31

.a gift from within.

You give but little when you
give your possessions. It is
when you give of yourself
that you truly give.
~Kahlil Gibran

Anything that has real
and lasting value is
always a gift from
within.
~Franz Kafka

.hello there!.

Howdy ya'll! Ha ha! For those of you who have been wondering where I've been, I have actually been putting up posts on my photoblog. My hope is to have more to share there as I seriously need to get off my butt and start shooting again. I have so many ideas in my head that I need to work on bringing them to light. Confidence. It's been something that I have been lacking and honestly, it's been paralyzing. But things are changing. I'm changing. For the better. Perhaps this metamorphosis that I keep saying that I'm in is almost over. Maybe, real soon, I'll be able to fly again.

.a mini picnic.

Today, the little one and I made a trip out to the lake to have a mini picnic. Orange juice, a handful of almonds, and sandwiches made up of wheat bread, Bonne Maman's Cherry preserves and peanut butter. Yum! The sun wasn't shining today as it had the last time we came here. Also, it wasn't so desolate. We had the whole place to ourselves. . . so quiet. . . too quiet. It kinda freaked me out. ha! I didn't take many photos. As a matter of fact, aside from some of the short videos I took, our lunch was the only thing I shot. I was too nervous. Isn't that ridiculous? Had I been there by myself, I think I would have been fine. But when you've got the wee one with you, "Mama Bear" comes out, ears perked up, and ready to mawl anyone who comes too close. Ha ha! We did have a good lunch though! ;o) How about you? When was the last time YOU went on a picnic?

.to feel deeply.

Connection. Passion. True existance. These are things that I have been looking for in my life, especially here lately. Things that I have been looking for in myself. As the days pass, I find myself scraping away layer, after thick layer, the dead skin that has formed this hardened shell over my heart. More and more I realize just how much I miss the feeling of feeling. . . of feeling deeply. I believe many of us wonder how we have reached this point of numbness. At some point in our lives, a decision was made and from that moment on, many more decisions were made, each one bringing us closer, or further from who we truly are. Then we reach another point in life when we want to pick up all the little pieces that have fallen along the way, hoping that they will lead us back to home. Home, to where our heart is.

There is so much more I want to say tonight, but I don't have quite the right words. Maybe tomorrow.

.breezy days and pumpkin bread.

Every window in my home is wide open, inviting all the cool Autumn breezes to flow through every room with ease. I LOVE it! I love the sounds of trees rustling in the wind, birds singing their little hearts out, an ice cream truck playing . . . is that the theme to the Godfather? These are sounds that remind me so much of home. . . bringing me back to childhood memories of afternoons spent in my Tutu's kitchen in Kailua. What shall we bake? I ask. The answer today is Pumpkin Bread.

Pumpkin Spice Bread
3 c. sugar*
1 c. vegetable oil*
4 eggs, lightly beaten
1 (15 oz.) can of solid pack pumpkin
3 1/2 c. all-purpose flour
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1 tsp. ground cinnamon
1 tsp. ground nutmeg
1/2 tsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp. ground cloves
1/2 tsp. ground allspice
1/2 c. water*

In a large mixing bowl, combine sugar, oil and eggs. Add pumpkin and mix well. Combine dry ingredients. Add water to pumpkin mixture. Pour into two greased loaf pans (9-in x 5-in x 3-in). Bake at 350˚F for 60-65 minutes or until bread tests done. Cool in pans for 10 minutes before removing to a wire rack. Cool completely.

*Alterations: Based on some of the reviews on this recipe, I did some alterations. Instead of 3 cups of sugar, I used 1 1/2 cups of white granulated sugar and 1 cup of packed light brown sugar. I used non-sweetened applesauce in place of the vegetable oil. Lastly, 1/2 cup of orange juice was used in place of water.

Recipe found on AllRecipes.com

.a magical moment.

Have you ever had one of those days, when it seems like nothing is going right, you are so stressed out, and if anyone makes just one smart ass comment you'll snap? Ha ha! However, by the end of the day, something small yet significant happens, fading everything else into an irrelevant blur. That was my day. I won't even bother going through the details of the "irrelevant blur," but I will tell you that my little 2 year old has FINALLY started using the potty!! I had intentions of photographing the occasion, but decided that you probably didn't need to see that. Ha! So, instead, how about a pretty picture of geese and goslings in a pond being led by a duck? Hope little magical moments find their way to you this week!

**Update: So. . . we're kinda sorta back to square one with the potty training, which I guess is normal right?! Did I fail to mention that I attempted to cut her bangs yesterday? Well, what should have been a simple cut ended up turning into a nightmare. Needless to say, she is now sporting what could pass as a mullet. And I cried.

.09.22.09::fall is here.

My day started off a little absent-mindedly. I woke up, took a shower, got dressed, joined in on the tickle fun with Alex and our wee one before heading out to work. I listened to my Priscilla Ahn CD while cruising down the road, belting out each tune in harmony as if I were her backup singer (she doesn't need one, but if she did, I'm her gal). Everything seemed normal. Once I got to work though, one of my co-workers looked at me and said, "You're here too?" as we both primarily work in the same department of the bookstore. Hmm. . . am I supposed to be here? Apparently not. Wrong day. Doh! So, a phone call was made to home to let the hubby know that I was on my way back. The entire drive back I kept thinking that there was something significant about today. . . What was it?! Ooh! Yes, the Wallace & Grommit collection featuring their newest film, A Matter of Loaf and Death, comes out today! I'm a geek. I know. But that wasn't it. . . hmm. . . the day went on. The little one and I went to Target, later to the grocery store, then to my sister's, back home. I logged into the internet and read a few blogs. Then I looked to my right, directly at my calendar and realized that there were exclamation points at the end of something listed for today. OH!! Today's the first day of Fall!! Happy Day! You wouldn't know it to look around our neighborhood! The grass is greener than ever with all the crazy amounts of rain we've been getting this last week. Still, I am happy knowing that cooler weather is just around the corner, along with vibrant colors and hints of spice in the air. Welcome back Autumn, my favorite Season!

.what matters most.

There is a magnetic memo board that hangs on the door to my kitchen pantry. There is a small phrase that I wrote on it little more than 2 and a half years ago. It's a little worn off now since it's been mostly covered with yellow post-it notes with scribbles of phone numbers, reminders, postcards, and whatever else will stick on to it. Focus on what matters most. I wrote those words when I was in the third trimester of my pregnancy with my daughter. Besides her Daddy, I felt alone, torn, betrayed. It was a very difficult time for me. My job was in turmoil, my friends and family were far enough away that I fell into the category of 'out of sight, almost out of mind.' My stress level got so high that I would actually have heart palpitations. My focus was not where it needed to be. The world around me seemed oppressed and cold, and yet within me, there was a warmth. . . a tiny heart beating. . . a world of miracles and peace. I wrote those words to remind myself that nothing that was going on around me had any more importance than what was going on in my womb. This child, and her well-being was all that mattered.

Those words have helped calm me down during moments of uncertainty, disappointment, anger, and fear. For awhile here, I have struggled with what to do with me. There's so much I want to do. Photography, crafts, school, this and that. I have been searching so passionately for Kat the artiste, the photographer, the traveler, the bohemian that I have completely overlooked the the gal who was baptized into a new realm of womanhood. I began to forget about Kat the Mommy. She has brought me back down to earth and made me realize that it's through this new role as Mom that I have embarked on a wonderful, trying, yet all together amazing journey of discovery. And I will not be alone. With me, I shall walk beside a brilliant guide. . . my child.

"C'mon Mama, let's go!"

.i'm back!.

Hello everyone! I truly hope that every single one of you have had an awesome summer! The little one and I are back from our trip to Michigan. Actually, we've been back for a little while. A very short trip but a good one. The above photo is of the Mackinac Bridge, the world's longest suspension bridge. It was such a cool site to see! It was fun collecting fudge in little Mackinaw City. Yes, I'm a fudgie! Maybe next time, we'll be able to make a trip over to Mackinac Island to see the Grand Hotel. Honestly, as far as pictures were concerned, three shots of the bridge were the only photos I had taken. Aside from photos of A. with her shorts on her head. Why? The main reason for it was because I was not prepared for it to have been so cold! There was a freak cold front that moved in from Canada. It had actually gone down into the 50s and the morning we left, into the 30s. There was frost on the car as we were preparing to head back to Nashville's 80˚-90˚ weather. I ended up getting a nasty cold once we got back and I'm still trying to get over this cough that came with it. Ugh.

In other news, we did get a new puppy. Or rather, Alex got us a new puppy while we were away. A cute little mutt we named Chipper. Nothing like trying to potty train the toddler and house train the dog all at the same time. Yay!! Now. . . how have YOU been?

.on the road::michigan bound.

Hello my wonderful friends! Just wanted to send you a little note letting you know that the little one and I will be leaving for Michigan in the morning. We will be on the road for 12 hours with my best friend Joani, to visit her folks. I've known her for like 9 years and have never been up to her hometown. Well, the time has come and I'm looking forward to heading up north. Fingers crossed, I'll have some cool new images to share with you all when I get back! Have a fantabulous weekend!

.some days.

Some days. . .

. . . I don't know what to say. My mind is cluttered with so many things to tell you, I just don't know how to get them out to make any sense.

. . . I struggle with myself.

. . . I wonder if I'm doing what I'm meant to be doing. . . if I'm headed in the right direction.

. . . I'm terrified of what others are thinking.

. . . I want to cry but I'm too angry to. I don't want to feel anything.

. . . I wish I wasn't so tired.

. . . my heart needs to just open up and air out.

.peekaboo.

A.'s first official photo & self-portrait

Hello my dear friends! I hope today finds all of you well and enjoying the last few weeks left of summer. Before anything else, I just wanted to take the time to thank you all so much for all the wonderful words of encouragement and support. Seriously, you all ROCK!! I cringed reading that last entry as I hate to sound so pathetic. But I did need the time away to do some "soul searching" and get productive. So where am I with it all today? Much better. Thank you.

As some of you may know, some may not, I am trying to pursue my photography more seriously. So, as I had mentioned in an older blog post, I have been working on my website. It's not perfect. It's quite bland I think. But for now, it'll do. I guess you can say it's my online portfolio. I've been working on getting some shoots together to build it up more. If you are interested in taking a little gander at this thing, you can see it here. So many ideas running in my head. SO many things to do, like open up an Etsy shop and just getting out there to shoot! It'll all come together in time.

Well, I'm off to bed! Again, thank you, thank you!! I promise I won't be a stranger as much anymore! Goodnight!

.away for a little while.

Hello blog and all my Bloglandia friends. Please forgive me for having been away much longer than normal. The last two weeks I have been in a miserable funk, both emotionally and physically. I've had to step back from the internet for a little while, only checking my emails and the occasional visits to Facebook, also some small projects. I realize I have a lot of catching up to do as I'm sure many of you have wonderful stories to share! As I sit here, I can tell you that emotionally I'm okay. There were some very low days, struggling with blah blah blah. Right now, I am at, what I'm hoping, is the tail-end of a cold. Allergies hit me like a freight train on Friday and it's been downhill since then. The little one has caught a bit of it. Energy is low which means my intentions of having a wonderful craft filled 5 days off was not in the stars this time.

I'm keeping this short simply because I'm feeling dizzy and nauseated. Yay! But before I go, I do hope everyone out there is doing well! Here's a clip from a new movie that I'm anxious to see!

.a bit of home.

Some days, I get home sick. After digging through some of the boxes we still have in our basement from our move here last summer, I happened across a tall, glass jar filled with sand and seashells. The sand I remember collecting from a beach back on Kauai, prior to me moving to California. I honestly don't remember which beach it was that I took the sand from! It doesn't matter I guess, although I can almost say with certainty it was Poipu. Maybe. I look at the course grains of coral sand and I'm immediately transported back to a place where the waters are sparkling blue topaz. The light fabric of my pareo dances on an ocean breeze. The gentle murmur of people enjoying the delights of the beach swim in the soothing sounds of waves breaking on the shore. The scent of Coppertone, salt water and barbeque fill my nostrils. My stomach growls. I can almost feel the sun . . . almost. ::sigh:: I miss the beach. ::sigh:: I hate being home sick.

.we heart daddy.

A truly rich man
is one whose children
run into his arms
when his hands are empty.
~anonymous

Happy Father's Day to all you groovy Daddies out there!

.a little spot for me.

Finally. As I mentioned in another post, the "craft room" is technically done. The walls have been stripped of their gaudy wallpaper and seafoam green paint. Now, all the walls are white. It's actually a very tiny room so the white definitely helps to open it up more. Believe it or not, I think just the simple fact of knowing I have a place to run to, a little spot a I can sorta call my own, makes me a little more sane. :o) Besides my two year old daughter and 3 year old nephew love to hang out here because they know this is the only place they can paint and make a mess in! Yay yay for everybody!
Here's a shot of my drawing table cluttered with my Country Living UK mag, crayola watercolors for my nephew, a couple of Anthropologie catalogs, and of course, an orange haired mermaid. I'd show you the other side of the wall, the one I'm leaning on as I took this shot, but it's not as interesting as this side. ha! So what's left to do? Create of course! Oh! And peel the specks of paint that dribbled on the floor. Oopsy!