.hints of spring::or::the death of a project.

Okay, so Spring has officially arrived. I have to tell you though, Winter, oh dear Winter, has still got a pretty firm grip on the trees here in Nashville. Today, temperatures were in the mid 30s and I can't help but feel like I'm being jipped. I long for color. I long for warmth. During a recent trip to Cheekwood, I did notice that there were subtle hints that Spring is slowly making her presence known here. So really, I should just shut up and be patient. ;0)

On to other subjects, I have come to terms with the fact that Project 365 is really just not for me. This means that I will be renaming my flickr album to "A Year in Photos::2010" which will feature my favorite shot for any one particular outing. I think. Who knows. May change that too! Ha! I know that there are folks out there that have been pretty relaxed about the rules for P:365 which I was totally in agreement with. But, after having missed several days, it just seemed wrong to keep the numbers 3-6-5 especially since I could not keep up with being true to "a photo every single day." I originally had this whole sch-peel about the deeper reasoning for not doing this project, but I'll spare you. Suddenly I have this need to read Susan Sontag's essays On Photography.

With all this said, I truly hope every single one of you are having a beautiful start to the week! Let me know how you are.

.staying true to myself.

49::365

I will have to admit to you that it's been a rather rough couple of weeks photography wise for me. Part of it due to the fact that I didn't have my camera (which I did get back today. . . YAY!) and also because, strangely enough, I have been asked to exhibit some of my photos. You would think that I would be extremely over the moon at the latter, but instead I became overly critical of my work to the point of getting a headache. Haha! That's a good sign right. . . ? As I gazed through some of my photos, I couldn't help but feel like I was just shooting all over the place. I found myself going back to my older images, photos that I didn't try to capture to submit to some publication or have accepted by the public as trendy. I shot them simply because I was moved to. Over the last several years, I feel like I've lost that, that emotional bond that transcends from subject to photographer, ultimately captured by the camera.

This morning after reading an inspiring post, I was reminded that as a photographer, I need to stay true to my vision. Too often I become overwhelmed by the sheer amount of images out there, trying to find a place to settle into only to realize that I wasn't really comfortable there. I always find myself saying that I'm still searching for my "voice" in the photography world. I sing the best when I'm in the shower or in my car, belting it out without a care as to who may hear, or see, me. I sing whatever moves me at the time (it's been a lot of Priscilla Ahn lately). Go out, shoot and don't give a rat's ass what anyone else thinks. In the end, it's your opinion of what you've done that matters. Sometimes I really should start taking my own advice.

.waiting for some color.

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I've been taking quite a bit of photos of the sky lately. The dramatic cloud formations highlighted by the intensity of the sun. Makes me realize how nice it is to actually be outside! The weather is warming up, thank goodness, which can only mean that Nashville will bursting with color soon! Some parts of the world are already there!

.optimist & pessimist.

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Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimists invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute. ~G.B. Stern.

I've always liked that quote. This week, it has really hit home for me as my inner optimist and pessimist are at odds with each other. There have been some great photography opportunities that may be in the works, but for fear of jinxing myself, I'm going to wait before sharing much about it. Then, a nice big obstacle presented itself in a conversation with my hubby and his employer. The business is closing by the end of the month, which means three weeks from today he will be without a job unless something else happens. I already see a move from this house inevitable, which I think may actually be a good thing. BUT, that means it's time to pack. Again. I swear, I'm not always the "gypsy" by choice. I have to admit that I'm a little scared but trying desperately to stay positive. My inner optimist is saying, "Hey! We'll be just fine." My inner pessimist is saying "Start planning for the worst now otherwise you're screwed." Deep inside, I know everything will be okay. That fear of the unknown is what gets me all the time. Good things are happening. I know they are. I just have to remember that behind every dark cloud, is a little bit of sunshine.

. a stack of inspiration.

45::365

What's the best thing to do when you need some inspiration? Delve into the pages of craft books and spring fashion catalogs! In my case, here are the ones that I am currently perusing, and reabsorbing:

• The Handmade Marketplace by Kari Chapin
• The Artistic Mother by Shona Cole
• Semiprecious Salvage by Stephanie Lee
• Urban Outfitters' Spring 2010 catalog
• Anthropologie's March 2010 catalog
• Toast's Spring 2010 catalog

My deepest of gratitude goes out to all the wonderful artists, designers, stylists and photographers who continue to feed my insatiable appetite for creative projects and imagery!

Today was the first day in a LONG time that I actually pulled out and used my 35mm Canon Rebel. For years, this was the camera I took most of my photos with and LOVED it! Of course, once I switched over to digital, my old trusty companion ended up taking a back seat. After my little equipment meltdown that happened last weekend, I thought I'd bring her back out again. So today, I took several photos of my good friend Casie who happened to be in town for a few days. You know what I noticed? I still have film in my camera. I went through 38 exposures between two rolls of 24 exp. film. That was it. What does that tell me? Each shot was composed and thought through carefully (not to say that they'll be perfect as this was a spur of the moment kinda thing). I don't think I've ever shot less than 60+ shots for a portrait session with my DSLR before. Well, I've yet to get my film developed. Will be doing that today. Let's hope they came out alright!

.still so much to learn.

44::365

I will be the first one to admit that I still have so much to learn about my role in this world as a photographer and as a student of the medium. I am not an expert. Never pretended that I was. I am caught between analog and digital, amateur and professional. Am I where I want to be? No. Not yet. Forgive me if this post ends up being somewhat fragmented. It just mirrors what's in my head.

Malfunction. That's what happened. Brand spanking new camera malfunctioned during a photoshoot that I had planned for months. I did not bring a backup. In my ignorance, I didn't think that I needed to. We were an hour away from town so running back was NOT an option. Embarrassed. LIVID. Discouraged. The camera has to be sent back to the manufacturer for repairs. I only had it for less than two weeks. Can't make an exchange because my shutter count exceeded the allowable amount. Disheartened. Wish I had brought my 35mm instead.

Was the day a total loss? No. And I should remind myself of that more often. I did manage to capture some great shots. Fortunately the subject, a good friend of mine, was very sympathetic as he has had his own fair share of "malfunction moments" and said the best thing to do was to take this as a learning experience and to prepare for situations similar to this in the future. Let's hope they don't happen in the future. We were able to brainstorm some more and came up with some fantastic ideas to pursue in our upcoming sessions. So, it wasn't all bad. Just the camera. [heavy sigh]

I have a website. I have a photoblog. I have an etsy account. But who am I? I honestly don't think I have found my "voice" yet. Experiment. That word has constantly been ringing in my ear. Patience. Practice. The beautiful voices we cherish in music had to fine tune their skill until the right sound was theirs to claim. I've been reading The Handmade Marketplace by Kari Chapin. Currently, I'm rolling around the subject of branding in my head. Ideas are floating. I just need to pinpoint the one that best describes me and what it is I want to do.

This is where I am right now. I am in that middle state of mind. . . between the thought and the action. Doors are opening. I am terrified. Yet I know that if I don't walk through them with confidence, I will hate myself for it. I am reminded of my fortune cookie fortune from January of 2009.

You are capable, competent, creative, and careful.
Prove it.

.carefree in the sun.

41::365

A: Mama, we go swing today?
K: Honey, it's too cold outside.
A: Mama? We go park? We go SWING?!
K: We'll see.
A: Mama? I go swing.
K: You are?
A: Yea. You come too Mama?
K: Yea, I think I'll come too.

That was the short, condensed version of the conversations that Lil' Miss A. and I had throughout the day. The sun was out and it looked so inviting outside. That was until you actually stepped out. A nice, frigid gust of wind blowing against your pale, sun deprived face. BRRR!! But that didn't stop A. from hauling butt to the vehicle. Her favorite thing to do in all the world is to ride the swing (and the carousel, although she hasn't really asked to do that in a while). Her sweet pleas were just breaking my heart, so I caved in. Besides, I really could've used some good ol' Solar-Vitamin D myself! Once we got to the park, straight to the swings she went. I slid her into a seat, then began to send my kid flying up into the air. Push Mama, push! she cried. A smile so big spread across her rosy cheeked face. And there she was, swinging away, head leaned back, in complete and total bliss.

::

40::365

Wow. I am exhausted. It's been a pretty busy week, which is good. Spent most of today with my best friend and her little baby J. Newborns are so sweet. . . and TINY! I seriously don't remember A. ever being that little, but she was. Before I left their home, I snagged a few branches off of her crape myrtle to take home and photograph. These seed pods are just so interesting to look at. Honestly, I'm not that crazy about the way I processed this image, but I'm too tired to care right now. ha ha!

Before I go (because I really need to go before cranky Kat comes out) I wanted to thank my sweet friend Emma at the Orchard Studio for featuring me on her blog today! It totally made my day! Thank you. :O) You all are so kind and I cannot express how humbled I am by your support. I love you guys! Wishing each and every one of you a beautiful start to an awesome weekend!!

.a gift and friendship.

39::365

Tonight, after several hours of tutoring English to my lovely Arab family, I pulled out the sewing machine I brought from home. It had been sitting in the corner of my kitchen for ages. I wish I was more the avid seamstress, but I am not. Although I would like to be! Last week, I had asked the ladies what they enjoyed doing. One of the responses was sewing. When I heard that, I knew that my sewing machine was going to have a new home. We brought it out onto the kitchen table, and just as quickly as we had done that, the requests from the boys to fix over-sized t-shirts and such were being made. Umm and I went over the specs of the machine, figuring out how to change stitches, how to thread it and so forth. Then, off to work she went, sewing away like a pro! I couldn't help but feel so blessed sitting there beside her, watching how quickly she was able to fix her son's school shirt, watching as she played with the machine, figuring out how to do this and that. I sat there thinking to myself, this is what family and friendship is about. Sharing, learning and appreciating one another. It became more and more obvious to me that I was no longer an outsider. No longer were we strangers who could barely communicate with one another. I had become part of the family. Friendship. It is truly the greatest gift you could give to another, and to yourself.

:::

He told me the other day that he had a dream. He came upon a cemetery, one that he had never been to before, one that probably didn't really exist. It was within this sanctuary that he said my grandmother's presence told him, Kathy never comes to see me anymore. He had never met my grandmother. Then, he began to recall the feeling of something cold pressing down against his thigh, like a hand, so cold that it woke him up from this sleep. It's true though. I don't visit much. Maybe it's because I know she is not there. There is no soft spoken voice there to tell me her stories of younger days. There is no warm embrace to pull me in from the cold wind that whips around me as I sit there beside the plaque that bares her name. But I did go to see her today. Her great-grand daughter beside me wondering where her Mama's Tutu is. She is asleep, I say. Her response, When she wake up, she coming to see me? I didn't know what to say. Yes, I said. Someday.

38::365

[**added on February 24th] I reread this post. Thinking about how I answered my toddler's question. What I should've said was that my grandmother was in Heaven right? Because I know she is. I've began to think about my faith again. My fellowship with God is not where it used to be. I know this. But the ice is melting. The colors of life are slowing resurfacing. In my heart, I know I will feel that warmth again.

.dear reader.

37::365

Dear Reader,

Honestly, I don't even know where to begin today. So many things have rushed back and forth in this thing I call my head that I wanted to share with you and now, as I sit here in front of this portal to you, my mind goes blank. Well, I guess before I go on, I just wanted to take the time to thank you, my reader, for pulling up a chair and "listening" to what I have to say. Many a times I feel as if I come off quite spaztic (which according to the Urban Dictionary, that's just part of my name) so I apologize if I'm quite scatterbrained. Seriously, it means a lot to me that you would take the time to come here. After all, there's surely something more interesting out there you could be doing, like watching a match of curling on the Olympics, or washing your hair. :O) Thank you. I may not get a chance to come and visit you as often as I would like, but I will try to do better! Know that I appreciate you and that my heart sings every time you leave me a little note. I know I've said it before, but I will say it again. Thank you.

But before you go, I FINALLY remembered some of the things I wanted to share with you today! The first being that I was featured on Ms. Laura's blog this morning! I was totally stoked! It's so weird and yet exciting to see someone actually take the time to say "Hey! Look at her!" and it be a good thing! The other thing I wanted to tell you is that you've got to check out Kim Miller's blog and her awesome Photoshop Actions! They are just too fun! Hmm. . . I think there was something else. . . what was it?! Oh heck! I can't remember. Maybe tomorrow.

I hope this finds you well and that you are doing fantabulous! Tell me how you've been and what is going on in your life. I want to know. And again, thank you for being awesome.

~much love,
.kat.

.at the lake.

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In my earlier post, I mentioned having taken some photos at the lake this morning, only find that the images were missing from my memory card. Weird. My tutoring class was canceled this evening so I took my new camera (instead of the old one I was shooting with earlier) and headed back to the lake. Honestly, I don't know what I was thinking I was going to capture. I felt a little weird because I had my camera bag strapped to my back, and this big camera hanging from my neck. I felt too "obvious". Ever feel like that? The sun wasn't as bright due to the clouds that were starting to move in. [sigh] I finally sat down for a moment to just soak in the scenery. I watched as the tiny glimmers of sunlight danced upon the surface of the water. I miss the beach. A flock of geese squawked loudly as they flew above me in the distance. A pair of seagulls glided in front of me, and then back towards the tree line across the water. Maybe this is what I was meant to do. Sit. Listen. Absorb. Reflect. I guess, things happen for a reason.

.it's a beautiful day.

35::365
My little sis is now the new Mrs. C! Congratulations sweet heart! I love you butt-munch!

.she's getting married.

34::365

Today was such a cool day. It was "girl's day/night out" with the little one and my little sister who is getting married tomorrow. Honestly, I don't think it has really sunk in yet. She and her fiancé made the decision to get married this last weekend. They've been together for 6 years and this week, they felt like all the planets and stars were in the right alignment to finally become an "official" couple. So. . . I am now the florist, the wedding photographer, and the all-around good gal for this wedding! Ha ha! It's going to be a simple little union at the courthouse and a gathering of family afterward. Tonight, we had our fill of sushi, made trips to some cute shops, picking up a few outfits (like her wedding dress!) and topped it all off with a nice warm mug of coffee from Utopia, a coffeehouse in Spring Hill. Wow, she's getting married tomorrow. Did I mention that it still hasn't sunk in yet?

.i heart you.

33::365

To the world you are one person, but to one person you are the world.
~Anonymous

.books hold the key.

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A good book is the key that will open doors to a different time and place. A source of motivation and inspiration. As a teen, I would lose myself in a book so that I could escape my insecurities, my struggles and walk instead in the shoes of another, completely oblivious to my own thoughts. For a moment, I would be Anne Elliot . . . another day I would be a Lakota woman curiously observing Lt. Dunbar. What I love most about books is its ability to allow me to travel without having to renew my passport.

In the case of good books,
the point is not to see how many
of them you can get through,
but how many can get through
to you.
~Mortimer Adler

The world is a book,
and those who do not travel
read only one page.
~St. Augustine

.this living hand.

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This living hand, now warm and capable
Of earnest grasping, would, if it were cold
And in the icy silence of the tomb,
So haunt thy days and chill thy dreaming nights
That thou wouldst wish thine own heart dry of blood
So in my veins red life might stream again,
And thou be conscience-calmed—see here it is—
I hold it towards you.
~ John Keats

.buttons.

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Okay so this image may not be exactly what you would describe as "girly" or "romantic." Well, I don't know. There might be a hint of romanticism that can be attributed to these old remnants of clothing. Buttons. I wonder what types of garments they were originally a part of. Suits. Dresses. How old do you think some of them are? Especially these, which were purchased at an antique store in Bell Buckle. What stories do you think they'd tell? Perhaps. . . a few of them were originally sewn onto a dress worn by a fair, young Tennessee belle whose dark haired lover, in a fit of lust, ripped apart her bodice, scattering bookoos (or is it beaucoup?) of buttons all over the place! That's romantic right?! Ha ha! Buttons: the fragments of passions untold!

.love to create.

29::365

There is something about making handmade items that just cannot be replaced by store bought. It's personal. It has meaning. It's special. I love to create, but I cannot tell you the countless times I've gone into a craft store, mind full of ideas and projects, to come home with oodles and oodles of supplies only to not have the time, or the energy, to bring any of those ideas to fruition. I hate that. My hubby hates that because that means there's just more "crap" [gasp!] cluttering up the spare room. But I do love making things. Unfortunately, it seems as if the stars have to align before I can become inspired and motivated enough to get things done (that also applies to other things like housework). Today, I was FINALLY able to work on a Secret Valentina gift for a lady in my Unravelling group. I just hope that when I mail it off on Monday that she will get it in time for Valentine's Day!! Did I mention she lives overseas? YIKES! Working on this piece really got me to thinking about how much a really miss working with paints, and oil pastels, and scissors, and glue, and. . . and. . . artsy craftsy stuff. It brings me back to childhood memories spent at my grandparents' in Kailua, drawing and painting away as if I too was an artist getting ready for a big art show or craft fair. I miss that unbridled spirit of creating without inhibition. Children are a good reminder of that spirit. At times, I watch my little girl, crayon in hand, large drawing pad laid out in front of her, scribbling away, laughing at her own creation. "Mama! Look! Lion! Raaawwrrr! See his feet?" And although the large mass of circles and lines look nothing like a man-eating feline to me, she believes it does and she has all the confidence in the world that it is. I want that kind of confidence and freedom. We can learn so much from kids.

Every child is an artist.
The problem is how to remain
an artist once we grow up.
~Picasso.

.gathering of hearts.

28::365

So the weekend is here. FINALLY! I don't know about you but I am freaking out about the fact that it's already February. . . and FIVE days into it! I'll stop yelling now. Valentine's Day is quickly approaching and I've been wanting so badly to start getting some handmade "love stuff" made. Fingers crossed, this weekend will open itself up to allowing me to do just that! My brain is overflowing with hearts - hearts - hearts!! Speaking of those lovely symbols of affection, Rebecca Sower's blog is featuring a cute idea she calls the heart sessions where she displays a sweet handmade heart accompanied by love inspired quotes. Encouraging others to join in on the fun, she has listed several other crafty gals who have also started their own heart sessions. I think I see Elk in there! Seeing all these beautiful pieces makes me want to bust out the felt, scissors, beads and buttons! Care to join me?